Observations: The Chronicles of the Bored Dead
by FaintlyAlarming
Summary: Konoha is certainly more interesting than a parking lot, that's for sure. Milk cartons, Death, Ninjas, what more could you need? No pairings, OC Main Character.
1. Team Seven

A/N: This was inspired by an experience I had in the parking lot of a local Kroger.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any other published works (or parts thereof) I may make reference of in this story. This is written purely for my own amusement. Like anyone would actually pay me for it. ….

Hmm.

However, I will gladly accept donations to the 'FaintlyAlarming Needs Cash' Fund. Contact author for details. ;)

* * *

_Yesterday upon the stair,_

_I met a man who was not there._

_He was not there again today._

_I wish that man would go away._

_xxx _

... I hate noisy people.

You may ask what this has to do with, well, anything. This is because you have never been blasted with a sound wave of near-mythical proportion, woken from sleep by what, on a second glance, appears to be a screaming, blond-haired idiot waving his arm around in your torso.

* * *

Wait, wait, wait. I'd better back up for a second. First of all, I'm dead. 

Yeah.

This is why it is possible for blondie to have his arm where it is and not be playing Tickle-Me-Elmo with my intestines. I've been dead for a while. I'm not really sure how long, though. I've gotten used to it, for the most part.

The second thing you need to know about me? I don't know where the hell I am. Not anymore, at least. I used to haunt the parking lot where I was killed. Not exactly the most glorious death, but hey, that's how it works out. Plowed by a mini-van at the tender age of 16, whilst carting the supplies for a taco salad back to my car. When I realized I wasn't going to be moving on, I stuck around. After about 2 years, I was officially bored out of my metaphorical mind. There is only so much fun to be derived from spooking little old ladies by levitating their milk cartons.

Eww. Nasty double-entendre image.

Well, like I said I was bored. So I...well, I sort of teleported myself someplace else. How? I don't know how I can do it, but hey, it works. I was just floating along; counting the lines on the blacktop for what was quite possibly the thousandth time, and then it was like, BAMPF. Except, you know, quieter. And when I woke up, that first time, I knew I was somewhere else entirely.

The huge _jungle _sort of tipped me off to that little fact.

Eventually I was able to piece up the events leading to my sudden departure from my asphalt-y floating grounds, and leave. And that's what I've been doing ever since. Going to sleep, and waking up somewhere new each time. Who knows? Maybe one of these days, I'll wake up in Heaven.

Heaven, however, doesn't seem to be on the menu today.

* * *

Now, normally I am a very reasonable, understanding person. Sadly, this only applies when I am not sleeping. I may be dead, but I am still not a morning person. And He-of-the-Orange-Jacket had just committed the ultimate crime. He had woken me up _against my will._ He had to suffer. Grabbing the front of that hideous orange creation and yanking him off of the fence he was sitting on facilitated this quite nicely. The patch of nettles he had just _accidentally _plunged into was, of course, a complete coincidence. 

Who the hell was this "Sakura-chan" person, anyway?

"Naruto..."

A look behind me answered my earlier question. "Sakura-chan" was a girl. A... _pink-_haired girl?! Closer inspection revealed it to be indeed, pink. Pretty, too. She appeared to be around thirteen or so, green eyes, and a red dress with white circles on it. A blue-clad boy stood beside her, smirking down at the fallen blond. Blue-black hair and pale skin, with an engraved metal plate strapped to his forehead.

"Dobe."

This, as one might expect, did not curry a positive response from the already ego-bruised blond. However, the enraged cry of "Bastard!" and ensuing tirade towards the black-haired boy (who I gathered was named Sasuke) seemed to do nothing but cause the smirk to grow slightly deeper. My revenge for the unwelcome wake-up having already been had, I took the opportunity to take a closer look at Naruto, a.k.a. Captain Citrus. Hmmm. Blue eyes, whisker marks on his cheeks, lungs of brass...

The three began to to move off, the sound of Blondie's voice (finally) lessoning.

I wonder what else is around here?

* * *

**Ghost Log: **

**12:34** Looked over man's shoulder to check time. Took perverse joy in blowing cold air down the back of his neck.

**12:34-1:15** Wandered streets. Admired the unusual architecture. Found myself somewhat disturbed by Mount Rushmore look-alike.

**1:15** Noticed large amount of people wearing those metal plates that Sunshine and Snob-child had on. And weapons. Lots of very sharp, very pointy weapons. Have yet to ascertain the reason for this.

**1:23** Unintentionally frightened over-perceptive toddler.

**1:37** Learned name of town: Konoha.

* * *

**Present Time**

_Where in the name of God have I landed myself?__ What the heck is so dangerous that half the populace is armed to the teeth? Can that old woman with the mangoes actually see me, or is she just staring into space?__ Why the platypus? _

All of these things I contemplated as a floated along the crowded street, leaving a wake of slightly unnerved citizenry behind me. Whether the Mango Lady could see me or not, I breathed a sigh of relief as I turned a corner, thankfully removing me from her range of sight. Well, maybe not breathed, as such... being dead really cuts down on your air expenditure. Ha. Finally able to tear my gaze from the task of old-woman-watching, I turned around, and...

Wow.

That is what I call an amazing building. Don't get me wrong, the building wasn't all that _tall_, or even showy, but... somehow... _it was fat_. How in the name of all that is good and righteous someone managed to create a _fat_ building, I don't know. But it apparently has been done. Very imposingly too. Immediately curious, I flitted over to the base of the round structure, hesitating briefly before drifting through the wall. (Don't get me wrong. I know my ghost stuff. I just happen to find going through objects to be a little depressing. Like each time I do it, I'm reaffirming the fact that I've shuffled the mortal coil.) Looking around, I quickly realized that I was in some sort of lobby. A desk, some chairs, and lots of doorways leading elsewhere.

Bo-ring.

_Maybe whatever is upstairs will be more interesting_. Flying up, I poked my head through the ceiling/floor. Where I was immediately greeted by the squalls of a fuzzy brown cat, clutched in the arms of a slightly plump woman. I watched in fascination as the poor thing was slowly squashed into the woman's breasts, despite its tortured wails of protest. Lifting myself up further, I planted my feet on the wooden floorboards and looked around. It was a large, airy, well-lit room, with windows opened to the outside, allowing a nice breeze to circulate.

Close to the windows/balcony sat a long table, covered in papers and cups and various paraphernalia. What caught my attention though, was not the table, but the Hat sitting at its center. Astonishment swiftly occurred. Second examination, however, revealed a man beneath the red and white monstrosity.

_What is he hiding under that thing? A family of Smurfs? _I jolted as the unexpected sound of heavy footsteps suddenly came from behind me. Shaken from my musings on the ramifications of illegal Smurf-smuggling, I turned to see cat-woman making her way to the door, unhappy kitty still in her grasp. The Bearer of the Hat sucked on his pipe, watching with an air of weary perseverance as she exited the room. Turning his eyes to the paper in front of him, he began to read a list of tasks from it, barely concealed boredom in his voice.

_Um. Who is he reading to? _My question was swiftly answered as a familiar raucous voice rang out from behind me, demanding a more exciting job, effectively cutting the old man off in mid-sentence. I turned once more, resulting in my sight being promptly assaulted by the Day-Glo vision that was Naruto and the rest of the Color-Clashing Trio. Who, interestingly enough, had another member.

I had sufficient time to get an impression of a tall patch of green and silver before I was blasted from behind with a wave of sound that, had I been alive would surely have rendered me deaf. Clapping my hands over my ears (for what good it did me) I whirled around, ready to wreak otherworldly vengeance and discovered myself face to face with the source of the noise. And. He. Was. So. Cute.

Brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, light mocha skin, the scar crossing the bridge of his nose only accenting his face, he was the epitome of adorable sexiness. How was it possible that I had not seen him, even with the presence of the Hat? As I gazed at him, I could just barely hear the old man speaking, until suddenly an unexpected word caught my attention.

_Assassinations?_

The pipe-smoking man carried on, oblivious to my sudden interest. "These requests are carefully recorded, analyzed, and ranked A, B, C, or D, depending on their difficulty. We ninja..."

_ninja?_

_NINJA?!! _

* * *

A/N: Terry Pratchett is a god. I worship at his feet. On another note, I feel I must thank whoever it was that reviewed last chapter. You, whoever you are, made my day. 

Would anyone else care to follow that brave person's example, and drop me a few words? Good, bad, whatever? _Please?!_


	2. And So We Come to Wave Country

_**Disclaimer: **_I do not own Naruto, or any of the other published works whose material may wind up making an appearance in this fic.

* * *

_Armies march by tower and spire  
Of cities blazing, in the fire;  
Till as I gaze with staring eyes,  
The armies fall, the luster dies.__  
_

**Ghost Log: **

**1:56** Blissed out.

**1:58 **Realized that Naruto & Co. were leaving the building. Immediately decided to follow.

**2:14** Reached the Konoha gates.

**2:14 ½** Noticed drunken old man accompanying group.

**2:15** Watched Naruto scream at old man. Apparently the Color-Clashing Trio is supposed to make sure nobody attacks him.

**3:35** Decided that nothing exciting was going to happen.

**3:47** Group was attacked by enemy ninja.

* * *

**Present Time**

Holy kunai, Batman.

That Kakashi guy is _badass_. These two ninja came up out of nowhere, and there were these chains, and then everyone except for me thought he was dead, but I was like, no he isn't, because I would know, and then they went after Naruto, and he got hurt, and... long story short, Kakashi zipped up, grabbed them and tied them both to a tree.

Where I was quietly floating behind them, making their fingers go numb with cold. Take that, scary ninja dudes.Everyone else had gathered in a semicircle around the front of the tree, regarding the captured ninja with interest.

"These guys are chuunin-class ninja from the Hidden Village of Mist." Kakashi explained. "They are known to keep fighting no matter the cost."

The ninja to the left twitched slightly, trying to warm up his hands. I intensified the chill, still feeling rather spiteful. They _had_ injured Whiskers. He sighed, apparently labeling it a lost cause, and turned his attention back to his silver-haired captor. "How did you know we were there?"

Kakashi watched them disinterestedly. "It hasn't rained for the past few days, and it's sunny today, so there shouldn't have been any puddles."

Tazuna turned to the tall Jounin, a slight frown creasing his features. "Why did you let the kids fight if you already knew that?"

Kakashi answered, still looking at the captured Mist ninja. "If I had felt up to it, I could have killed these two in the blink of an eye. But...," at this, his single exposed eye turned to the bridge builder, "I needed to know who their target was."

"Eh? What do you mean?" Kakashi turned to fully face the older man. "In other words, were you being targeted, or someone from our ninja group?"

"We have not heard anything about you being targeted by other ninja," the masked Jounin continued, gaze never wavering from the bridge builder's face. "Your request was to protect you from armed groups, like gangs or robbers. This is a mission that is above B rank."

_Oo-hoo-hoo. _Abandoning my impersonation of Mr. Freeze, I moved closer to the two men, making the Mist ninja shiver as I passed through them.

"Our job was to support and guard you until you had completed the bridge. If ninja are our enemy, then this mission would have been a much more expensive B rank." The broad-shouldered bridge builder's eyes were fixed on his feet. "It looks like you have your reasons, but it only troubles us if you lie in your request details. This wasn't part of the mission."

Sakura leaned forward. "This mission is out of our league." The pink-haired girl said quickly. "Let's quit! We need anesthesia to take the poison out of Naruto's hand, anyway. We should go back to the village and see a doctor!"

Kakashi sighed. "This sure is a burden. Let's go back to the village to cure Naruto, then." This obviously did not sit well with the blonde boy, as he stared, gritting his teeth, at his sensei.

**_Thunk._**

I stared. Sasuke stared. Tazuna stared. Sakura... gasped.

The kid had just f-ing stuck a knife into his own hand!

I raced forward, whirling around him to in order to see the damage. _Shit. _I looked at Kakashi. _"Hey, this cut looks bad, man." _Now the only problem was trying to get that across to everyone when nobody could hear me. Or see me. _Again I say: shit._ As I contemplated this problem, I realized that Naruto was speaking, very quietly.

"Why am I so different... Why am I always.. Damn it!"

Sakura moved forward. "Naruto, what are you doing?!"

His voice grew louder. "I should be stronger. I've accomplished lots of missions, and I've practiced techniques every day... I'm never going to do something that requires someone to help me."

_"Um. Naruto? You should really get that hand looked at."_ Maybe if I spoke the words would get in subconsciously.

"I'm never going to be frightened and back out of things. I'm not going to lose to Sasuke." Naruto's hand shifted upwards, drawing attention to the knife embedded in it. "I swear by the pain in my left hand, I am going to protect the old man with this kunai!"

Naruto turned around, holding his bloody hand up in front of him, and grinned at his teammates. "The mission is still on."

Kakashi spoke. "Naruto, its nice that you took the poisoned blood out so spiritedly... but you're going to die of blood loss if any more comes out. "

_Finally. Someone freaking notices._

* * *

**Ghost Log:**

**4:17** Followed group.

**4:28** Watched Naruto and Sasuke bicker. Laughed when Cherry-Girl punched Naruto for daring to insult her _Sasuke-kun._

**4:31-4:40** Ogled Kakashi's butt.

**6:45** Got tired of listening to the boys. Went to sleep in Tazuna's hat.

**Next Day**

**7:30 AM** Boarded small boat.

* * *

**Present Time**

Creak.

Creak.

Slosh.

..._ This is... strangely enthralling._

The boat sailed through the mist. I stared at the moisture beading in Sakura's hair, frizzing it slightly, and envied. My hair, as usual, was dry and in it's ponytail. It would never frizz again. ..._Sometimes, I really hate the living._

The oarsman spoke up, distracting me from my self pity. "We should see the bridge soon."

Creak. Slosh.

"At the base of the bridge is Wave Country." I turned my attention to the front of the boat. _Nope. Still don't see anything._

Creak. Slosh.

_Wait a minute..._ A huge bridge loomed out of the fog, rendering me speechless.

"Wow! It's huge!"

_Thank you, Captain Obvious. I was unable to observe that for myself. _

"Hey, please be quiet!" Came the low cry from the back of the boat. "Why do you think we are hiding in the mist ... and not using the engine? We'll be in deep trouble if they find us!" Naruto slapped his hands to his mouth as the three kids turned to look at the boatman.

Kakashi spoke for the first time since the boat had set off. "Tazuna-san, there is something I need to ask you before we reach the shore: the identity of those after you." Tazuna remained silent, eyes on the bottom of the vessel. "If you don't tell us, then the mission ends when the boat reaches land."

We all stared.

Finally, the bridge builder spoke. "Looks like I have no choice but to tell you." He paused. "No, I want you to know. You are right that this is probably beyond your mission's scope. There is a very dangerous man who is after my life."

"A very dangerous man?" Kakashi prodded.

"Yes."

"Who?"

"You've probably at least heard his name before. The wealthy shipping magnate... a man named Gatou."

_Doom doom doom! _

_Wait... who?_

However, Kakashi seemed to know who he was talking about. "Huh? Gatou is... from _that _Gatou Company? He's said to be one of the world's wealthiest people!"

Ignoring Naruto's slight outburst at the silver-haired man's words, Tazuna replied. "Yes. Officially he runs a large shipping company... But secretly, he sells drugs and other illegal items, using ninjas and gang members to take over businesses and countries. He's a very nasty businessman."

A drug lord. Tazuna had freaking pissed off a drug lord.

"It was a year ago that he set his eyes on the Wave Country. Through financial and violent means, he quickly took control of the country's shipping industry. Since he controls the shipping routes, which are the life of a small island country, Gatou now has a monopoly on all business traffic. The only thing Gatou has to fear now is the completion of the bridge."

I turned to look at the giant construction.

_People are people, no matter where they live. And people will always do terrible things for money._

"I see," Sakura said, hand on her chin. "Since you're building the bridge, you're in the way."

Sasuke turned to his pink-haired teammate. "So, those ninjas from earlier were hired by Gatou?" I looked over to see how Spiky the Wonder Fruit was taking this. Per usual, he seemed rather confused.

"But what I don't understand is... If you knew shinobi could be after you, why did you hide the fact when you hired us?" Kakashi eyed Tazuna questioningly.

"The Wave Country is very poor. Even the Daimyo has no money. Of course, we don't have much money either, not enough for the B-rank missions or above."

The older man shifted, his face taking on a slightly sly cast. "Well... If you quit the mission when we reach shore, I will definitely be killed... before I even reach my home. But, don't worry about it. If I die, my cute eight-year-old grandson..."

I stared incredulously. _He isn't going to seriously..._

"...will just cry uncontrollably!"

_He is._

"And my daughter will live a sad, sad life, hating Leaf ninjas forever and ever."

"But it's not like it would be your fault, or anything."

Kakashi scratched his forehead. "Well, I guess we have no choice. We will continue to protect you." Tazuna grinned.

Creak.

Slosh. 

I jumped as the boatman spoke. "We'll be there soon."

Creak. Slosh.

"Tazuna... It looks like we've avoided detection so far, but..."

The elderly bridge builder looked at the younger man with understanding. "Thanks."

All of the younger members on the boat leaned forward with anticipation as we passed through the stone tunnel, all anxious to see what lay beyond. We came out into a rather pretty harbor, with trees growing out in the water, and gulls crying overhead. We pulled up by the boardwalk, and everyone got out of the boat.

"This is it for me. Good-bye."

"Yeah. Thank you very much."

"Be careful."

With that the boatman tootled off into the water. Tazuna turned to the others. "Okay! Now take me home safely!"

And so Team Seven came to the Wave Country.

* * *

A/N: Yay! Another chapter written! 


End file.
